Great Land of Alaska
Jokes & Humor
A Cheechako's First Alaskan Winter
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Alaskan Computer Terms
Log on: Make the wood stove hotter.
Log off: Don't add no more wood.
Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove.
Download: Getting the firewood off the truck.
Floppy Disk: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood.
Ram: The thing that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter.
Prompt: "Throw another log on the fire".
Window: What to shut when it's cold outside.
Screen: What to shut during mosquito season.
Byte: What mosquitoes do.
Bit: What the mosquitoes did.
Megabyte: What BIG mosquitoes do.
Chip: Munchies when monitoring.
Microchip: What's left after you eat the chips.
Modem: What you did to the weeds.
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where kitty sleeps.
Mouse: What eats the food in your pantry.
Mainframe: What holds the house up.
Web: The things spiders make.
Web Site: The garage or attic.
Cursor: Someone who swears a lot.
Search Engine: What you do when the truck dies.
Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen.
Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost when hunting moose.
Upgrade: Driving up into Atigun Pass.
Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that plays music.
User: Buddy down the street who keeps coming over borrowing stuff.
Network: When you have to repair your fishing net.
Internet: Where the fish get caught.
Netscape: When a fish gets away.
On-line: When you get the laundry on the clothesline.
Off-line: When the clothespin lets go and the laundry falls on the ground.
Two Lower48ers are moose hunting all day, finally they shoot a moose. They start dragging it out of the bush but are having a hard time. Finally a fellow hunter comes along and says "Hey, you know if you drag the moose the other way with the grain of the fur it will be a lot easier." The two hunters say "Hey, good idea!" So they start dragging it the other way. About two hours later one outsider looks at the other and says "Hey, this was a good idea, it is easier this way." The other outsider says, "Yeah, but we keep getting further away from the truck."
First Alaskan: Boy, it was too bad to hear about Bob's car accident, he suffered so much brain damage they had to ship him off to the Lower48.
Second Alaskan: Yes, that's too bad, how long do they figure he'll be in the hospital?
First Alaskan: Hospital? Who said anything about a hospital?
Fly-in Moose Hunting
Lloyd and Bruce fly in to the Alaskan interior to go moose hunting. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of these animals--you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take-off."
"That's baloney", says Bruce.
"Yeah," Lloyd agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts; he wasn't afraid to take off."
"Yeah," said Bruce, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Well, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the top, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but shaken and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said "Where are we?"
Bruce rolled out from being thrown in a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say, about a hundred yards further than last year."
Secret to Successful Ice Fishing
George and Frank have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. George has been having no luck at all and Frank has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. George finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" is the reply.
"Geez, Frank, what was that?"
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Frank replies.
"Good grief Frank, still can't understand what you're saying."
Frank spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I said, 'YOU GOTTA KEEP THE WORMS WARM.'"
Things You'll Never Hear an Alaskan Fisherman Say
- Would you unhook that fish for me please? I don't want my hands to get all icky.
- Why do I need a boat? I'm perfectly happy fishing from the shore.
- I already have a dozen lures, I don't need any more.
- It sure is lonely at this lake, I hope some other fishermen show up.
- Do you guys want to trade places with me? You're not catching anything over there, and they're really biting over here.
- Don't bother taking a picture of my 98-pound chinook before I release it, I'm sure everybody will believe that I caught one.
- Thanks for the offer to go fishing with you, but I'd rather stay home and mow the lawn today.
- I really don't like catching silvers, they put up too much of a fight.
- No thanks, no more beer for me.
Three Old Sourdoughs
Three old sourdoughs were sitting around a blazing campfire exchanging tall tales about how tough they are.
"I was hiking through some willows," begain the first sourdough, "when 10-foot tall bull moose with a 90-inch rack stormed out of a thicket and charged me. I grabbed him by the anlters and wrestled him to the ground and beat him senseless."
"That's nothing," said the second. "I was fishing in the Yukon River when a 2000-pound grizzly bear came after me and my catch. I ducked as he swiped at me, jumped on his back, and strangled him with my bare hands. I then skinned him with my bare teeth."
They all turned to the third sourdough, waiting for his story. He didn't say anything - just sat there stirring the coals with his bare hand.
One night a musher, who had spent many days on the trail, pulled into a small town that liked to tease strangers, which he was. Seeking refreshment, he entered the town's tavern and ordered a beer. Finishing his beer, he exited the tavern only to discover that his entire dog team was missing. He turned and walked back into the tavern and pulled a shotgun out from under his large coat. He tossed it into the air and caught it above his head, firing a shot into the ceiling. "I'm going to have another beer," he announced in a stern voice, "and when I'm done with it, I'm going back outside. I'd better see my dog team returned. If it isn't, I'm going to do what I had to do in Misvik, and believe me, I don't like to do what I had to do in Misvik." A few of the locals shuffled nervously in their seats as the stranger returned to the bar and ordered another beer and drank it as slowly and calmly as the first one. After finishing his beer, he left the tavern again, this time to find his team back where it originally was. Before he mushed off into the darkness, the bartender came outside and asked him "Before you go, stranger, tell me - what did you have to do in Misvik?" "I had to walk home."
Alaskan wilderness SOS
Definition of 'Outdoor Barbecuing' - the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
- The woman goes to the store.
- The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
- The woman prepares the meat for cooking, and places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
- The man places the meat on the grill.
- The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
- The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
- The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
- The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
- After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
- The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
How to Change Your Oil
If there's anything an Alaskan man must know how to do, it's change the oil in his truck. Here's how it's done:
Oil Change instructions for Women:
- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
- Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it to the recycling center, dump in hole in back yard.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up mess.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
- Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
- Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
- Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
- Drink beer.
- Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
- Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the ground.
- Drink beer.
- Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit your Miss December (1992) poster in the left boob.
- Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car gets impounded.
- Make bail.
- Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts: $50.00; DUI: $2500.00; Impound fee: $75.00; Bail: $1500.00; Beer: $25.00; Total: $4150.00 — But you know the job was done right!